


I’ll be living one life (for the two of us)

by teaandbiscuitsforme



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Awesome Morgana (Merlin), BAMF Morgana (Merlin), Coronavirus, F/M, Grief, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kid Fic, Kid Mordred (Merlin), Merlin & Morgana Friendship (Merlin), Minor Merlin/Morgana (Merlin), Mordred is Merlin’s kid, Pandemics, Parent/Teacher Relationship, Parenthood, Slow To Update, Teacher/Parent AU, Uther Pendragon's A+ Parenting (Merlin), baby Mordred, cause everyone dies, eventual Merlin/Morgana, merlin has a kid, parent/teacher AU, slowburn probs, social distancing, this is why we can’t have nice things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27183349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandbiscuitsforme/pseuds/teaandbiscuitsforme
Summary: After the death of his wife, Freya, Merlin found himself to be rather lonely yet had to focus on raising his two year old son, Mordred. Struggling with work and raising a toddler, he enrolled him into a pre-school. Yet he finds a certain key worker he can’t keep his eyes off
Relationships: Freya/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Mordred (Merlin), Merlin/Morgana (Merlin), Mordred & Morgana (Merlin), Morgana & Morgause (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

_Beginning_ _of March 2020_

Ever since the birth of their son Mordred, Freya had continued to have an array of health problems. They begun when she found out she was pregnant—Freya had bad morning sickness to the point of hospitalisation, bleeding and placenta problems, followed by a diagnosis of pre-eclampsia which led to her being induced, only for the induction to fail which ultimately resulted in an emergency c-section which during Freya and Mordred both almost died. While Mordred was overall fine; having to go to the NICU as he was premature and now at two years old being small for his age, Freya’s health problems seemed never ending; having being diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2019.

Merlin smiled sympathetically at his wife Freya as she coughed once more. Merlin made his way over to her bedside with a bowl. “Spit” he ordered her, wincing as she spat blood into the bowl once more. 

“Thank you, Merlin” Freya smiled hoarsely. 

“It’s okay” Merlin smiled. “I just want you to get better”. 

The little pitter patter of feet was heard from behind them, Merlin turned around as he saw their toddler toddling into the bedroom. 

“Mummy” he smiled as he raised his arms to be picked up. Merlin looked over to the bed. Even though Mordred was rather small, Freya was simply too weak to hold him as she gently shook her head. 

“No MorMor” Merlin said. “Mummy needs to rest”.

“I want mummy” Mordred pouted. 

“It’s okay, Merlin” Freya said gently. “Just bring him over”. She briefly held her son until she was overcome by another coughing fit, so Merlin had to take Mordred. 

“Medicine time” Merlin smiled gently. He knew how Freya hated her medicine and tried to make it as pleasant as possible. He gently pressed the back of his hand against her forehead. Warm. Strange. He took one of the disposable thermometers out of the draw and told her to open her mouth—not that she needed to given that she already knew the “drill”.

“Sorry babe” Merlin apologised. “Calpol or tablets?”.

“Calpol, please” Freya decided with a smile. “It’s not long now until Mordred can start school, isn’t it?”.

“Preschool” Merlin corrected. “But yes. The nurse will be heading over tomorrow and we’re starting his settling in sessions”.

“That’s nice” Freya smiled. “Which one is it again?”.

“Kilgharrah primary school” Merlin replied. “They have the nursery attached too, Aithusa’s preschool which is where Mordred can start soon. I _think_ it’s in September as he doesn’t turn two until June so we have to apply and he has to already have turned two”.

“Can I come?” Freya asked weakly. 

“Sorry love” Merlin apologised. “You can’t. Not with all this coronavirus thing going on”.

“That’s okay” Freya smiled. Merlin could see that she was holding back a cough again, as she soon began spluttering and coughing up more blood. 

“Freya” Merlin said gently. “I think I’m going to have to phone the doctor. You’re not well”.

“Merlin please—“ she stopped to cough. “I’m fine. It’s just a little cold”.

“Yes, a ‘little cold’ for anyone could be fatal for you. Especially with everything happening”.

“You mean coronavirus?” Freya checked. Merlin nodded. “It’s not possible, I’ve never left the bloody house”.

“I’ll phone the doctor and see what he says” Merlin sighed. After consulting a doctor on the coronavirus helpline and giving them Freya’s health history, they were advised to take her to the coronavirus hub for testing, although was likely to be moved to hospital seeing as she had severe underlying health conditions. 

Merlin had to wait in the car with Mordred while Freya went in to have her testing done. Merlin looked at his son in the mirror attached to the headrest and moved into the backseat. At two years old, Mordred was still rear facing in a ‘Merlin’ car seat—Freya liked the name while Merlin liked that it was extended rearwards facing and swivelled. He wanted to do everything in his power to protect his son as much as he could—especially given Freya’s illnesses. 

After a few hours, Freya was blue lighted to the nearest hospital given that the coronavirus hub was at minor injuries and her breathing had worsened during her time there. 

“I’m sorry. Your wife has tested positive for coronavirus” the doctor said. “We are going to move her to the ICU on a ventilator. I’m sorry”.

“No” Merlin gasped as he fell to the floor. Mordred had almost fell in the process yet the doctor had managed to catch him, the toddler giggling at (what seemed to him) the fun game. 

“If you wish, you may see your wife” the doctor offered. 

Merlin silently nodded and strapped Mordred into his pushchair before he followed the doctor to the ICU. Freya passed away on the 7th of March 2020. Sixteen days later, Boris Johnson announced a national lockdown. As a result, Merlin had to attend the funeral alone with his son. 

* * *

_18th March 2020_

Morgause was sat at one of the tables with her iPad ready to watch Boris Johnson’s latest announcement. Being the leader of Aithusa preschool, she knew it was inevitable that schools would close at some point. She smiled as she saw Morgana walking over with her water bottle. Morgana had just joined earlier that year, after completing childcare at college, it was advised for pupils to stay in one place for two years as a ‘NQT’, and at twenty-one Morgana had finished it and moved to Aithusa’s. And even if there was a lot of shit happening lately, Morgana absolutely loved her job. Nimeuh soon joined her thus all of the preschool teachers were ready to watch the video. 

“Looking at the curve of the disease, looking at where we are now. We think now that we must apply downward pressure, further downward pressure on that upward curve by closing the school”.

“Well that’s great” Nimeuh muttered. 

“Whoopee!” Morgause cheered. “No work!”.

“Shoot, there goes my first year” Morgana cursed. 

“Well I assume there’ll be a staff meeting at some point”. Morgause paused to squeal. “But for now, we’re _free_!”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, this chapter's pretty short but I wanted to get everything 'established' first. This probably won't be updated as much as my other fics as this isn't at the top of my priorities but anyway, hope you all enjoy and let me know what you think! :)


	2. Chapter 2

_June 2020_

Merlin waited in the reception gently rocking Mordred back and forth in his pushchair. Being a large out’n’about nipper, it was a _wonder_ it could be rocked back and forth. While Mordred did tend to get tired, he had dropped his afternoon nap so tended to go to bed at half six, and would go to bed later if he had a nap. Merlin found that the only way he would nap was if he took him for a walk in his pushchair. He found that rather ideal as he’d take the tot out for a run (seeing as he had a buggy that he could run with as long as the wheel was locked—he planned to make use of it) during their once a day exercise allowance during lockdown. Even if Merlin only went for a walk instead of a run, Mordred would still tend to fall asleep from the motion if it was a longer walk. 

He and Freya had chosen the buggy together. Given that it was off-roading, they had planned to do lots of hiking off road in fields so decided to have the most versatile one they could. Those plans went straight out the window when Freya went into premature labour and was moved to the ICU after the c-section.

“Merlin Emrys?” The preschool leader greeted him. “Morgause LeFay, preschool leader”.

“Merlin Emrys, and this is my two year old son Mordred” Merlin smiled at the sleeping tot. “Sorry that he’s asleep”.

“Don’t worry about it” Morgause chuckled. “It’s sort of better anyway. Just endless paper work, he’d probably get bored and given that coronavirus procedures mean that he wouldn’t be able to play with the toys as we’d have to sterilise and sanitise everything”.

“I’m glad about those procedures” Merlin smiled. 

“We’ll be outside so we don’t need to wear face masks unless you want to and it’s easier to social distance” Morgause explained. “More room for the buggy anyway _and_ it’s a nice day, so”.

“That’s good” Merlin smiled under his mask as he followed Morgause outside. On the playground, things were set up rather well. Given that Merlin had lost his wife to coronavirus, he was rather worried about it all so was glad to see some procedures in place. Two tables, socially distanced and a chair for each of them. Merlin had his paperwork that needed filling out in an envelope given that paper had to be quarantined for three days. 

“So based off our conversation on the phone, it sounds like you’re eligible for the fifteen free hours” Morgause commented. “As you get universal credit”.

“That’s correct” Merlin confirmed. “I’ve already applied online for my fifteen two year old hours online, so should I email the office?”.

“Yes, that’ll be ideal” Morgause smiled. “So now I’ll be going through the paperwork with you. Parents are required to wear face masks during pick up and drop off. There is the option of school meals or packed lunches. I’m assuming Mordred isn’t potty trained yet as he’s still rather young?”.

“Yeah. We were going to potty train over lockdown, but with my wife’s recent passing it had a setback I suppose”.

“Of course” Morgause nodded. “And for Mordred’s records in order for us to be able to support him, is it okay if you tell us about what happened?”.

“Of course” Merlin sighed. “Mordred was premature—born at thirty-six weeks tiny and not breathing. Labour was very hard on my wife, both Mordred and Freya almost died as a result. Sepsis afterwards which resulted in ICU stay while Mordred was in an incubator in the ICU”.

“I’m so sorry” Morgause said. “That’s terrible”.

“The birth ultimately left Freya rather weak, and she was diagnosed with lung cancer in October and sadly passed away of coronavirus earlier this year before lockdown”.

“I’m so sorry” Morgause said. “And of course we are doing everything to keep the transmission of COVID-19 at a minimum. We are having all the teachers wipe everything down with an antibacterial spray at the end of the day and are not mixing with other children. For example, being a part of the early years foundation stage, we do tend to mix with reception in normal circumstances yet are no longer doing so in order to keep the bubbles, in bubbles social distancing is not required”.

“I was wondering if you were going to make two year olds social distance” Merlin chuckled. “It would be impossible”.

“They’re doing bubbles in Kilgharrah’s primary school too, along with most other schools. So, there are two sessions in pre school, well _technically_ three. Morning session, which is nine until twelve and then afternoon sessions which are twelve until three or you can do all day. Also, afternoon sessions include lunch but as standard we tend to offer five morning”.

“Okay. I um, think I’ll put him in for two whole days and a morning and afternoon, if that’s okay?”.

“Of course” Morgause nodded. “Are there any specific days you have in mind?”.

“Not as of yet. I was thinking of taking him to toddler swim classes and need to see what those days are, so is it okay of I get back to you?”.

“Of course. Here’s a form for choosing your sessions, we advise putting down backup sessions just in case a session is full. Please hand it in by the thirty-first of July, and we look forward to welcoming Mordred in September” Morgause smiled. 

* * *

_Early September 2020_

“Come on Mordred” Merlin smiled as they flicked through the Argos catalogue. “Let’s choose a new bag! For preschool”. Merlin was slightly nervous about sending his son to preschool like all new parents tended to be, and he had _tried_ not to show his nervousness to the tot. Even if he _had_ put off buying him his things until three days before they were due to start. Mordred would be going to preschool on Monday afternoons, all day on Tuesday and Thursday then Friday afternoon. 

“Duggee!” Mordred shouted as he pointed at a hey duggee backpack. 

“You want that one?” Merlin checked. Mordred vigorously nodded. “Now let’s choose a lunch box”. They had a matching lunch box that came with the a water bottle which Mordred had decided he _definitely_ wanted. 

“So, how many new kids?” Morgana asked Morgause. 

“Only ten” Morgause frowned. “But then again it does tend to be quiet in September. Six two year olds too”.

“Any special circumstances?” Nimeuh checked. 

“Mordred—one of the two year olds—mother died of corona in March”.

“That’s terrible” Morgana gasped. “Poor baby”.

“His dad Merlin seemed to be handling it rather well when he came to apply” Morgause remarked. “Anyway, ready to start the new year?”.

“We sure are!”.


	3. Chapter 3

_Early September 2020_

Merlin rolled over at hearing his alarm of the day—the toddler over the baby monitor. Merlin hadn’t used an alarm for _years_ , being Freya’s main carer and Mordred’s too meant that he had been accustomed to waking up early, alongside Mordred being a two year old who woke up at seven on the dot every morning. He still felt as though he was dreaming—having stayed up rather late the night before so that he could prepare for Mordred’s first day of preschool and also ensure that his laptop was working properly and connected up to his WiFi so that he could work from home. The job that he had decided to apply for was a new one—working for the test and trace, an app which tells you if you’ve been in contact with somebody with COVID-19, a far cry from his old job of stacking shelves from nine at night until two in the morning, which were the only hours that he could find he could do seeing as he had to care for Freya and Mordred the rest of the time. The pay was absolute peanuts in his old job—yet luckily they had savings which they used for around fifteen months before they began to run out and Merlin took a part time job at the 24-hour Tesco. With the hours of all shops being reduced to day time only, Merlin was put on furlough and he soon quit his job, opting to get something he could do from home. 

He sighed as he sat on the edge of his bed as he remembered his dream. Freya was there—well, healthy, alive, blossoming and glowing with pregnancy of their second child. Mordred was happily at the door with his backpack and lunchbox as he grinned happily at his parents, excited to be going to preschool. _If only it was that way. B_ ack when he was happy. Before things went downhill. He remembered the joy on Freya’s face with the tears streaming down her face as she showed him the stick with the word “pregnant” on it. Going to the first scan, with the baby wriggling and moving around as he waved at the camera. The private 4D scan they had paid for when Freya was seven months pregnant, finding out that they were having a son and the absolute joy that followed. Until everything went wrong. It always was like that for Merlin, something going wrong. Yet her words echoed in his head “don’t give up, you can do it. Just take it day by day”. He glanced on the bedside table, his new ring was there instead of his wedding ring and he slid it onto his finger; that way he could keep her by his side everyday and night given that it contained some of Freya’s ashes. He’d put his old engagement ring with Freya at the funeral when she’d been cremated, and tended to keep both of their wedding rings in a box in the bedside cabinet. He couldn’t let go yet he couldn’t face seeing them everyday. It was just too painful

Merlin pottered to the nursery and lifted Mordred out of his cot, changing his nappy before going downstairs and boiling the kettle. He put Mordred in his highchair and began to make porridge on the stove, measuring out formula into a bottle for Mordred and putting a tea bag into a mug for himself. Once Merlin was in his “uniform” (a paw patrol t-shirt that was cheap enough for Merlin not to care about with jogging bottoms), he stood in front of the front door with his backpack as Merlin took his picture. 

The first day of Mordred starting preschool was a bright and sunny one. Merlin held his son’s hand as they walked over to the nursery at a snail’s pace ( _or_ a two year old’s pace). While typically the walk would only take just under ten minutes with a toddler it tow it was closer to half an hour. He was tempted to bring the pushchair instead, yet given that it wasn’t nursery where it would be typical for them to be there as the children started from three months—most of the children were aged ranging from older two year olds up to young four year olds so it’d be rather unusual—especially since it was the prime age where children would have younger siblings who occupied a buggy instead. He arrived at the nursery five minutes early at around the other time as parents. The children looked around excitedly as some of the older ones happily chased their friends around and chatted happily at finally being reunited with one another after lockdown and the _long_ summer while the parents had a socially distanced chat. Most of them seemed to knew each other but there was a few timid looking children dithering by their parents as they held their hands and carried their backpacks. 

A few minutes before preschool was due to start the doors opened up and out walked a blonde woman wearing a face shield as she walked tall. “Good morning and welcome to Aithusa preschool! I am Morgause, the main leader of Aithusa preschool and these are my colleagues, Nimeuh” Morgause gestured to Nimeuh “and Morgana. We are thrilled to be welcoming your child to Aithusa’s preschool. Inline with coronavirus guidelines, parents are no longer allowed inside the building whereas previously they would have to help their child take their coat off and settled in. So, we would like to start with those children who were here last year going inside first please”.

A series of “bye mummy” from the three year olds was heard before they all pottered off into the preschool. While Nimeuh went inside to help them find their name tags and hang up bags, Morgana and Morgause remained outside, as they called out the newer children’s names and spoke to their parents.

“Okay Mordred” Merlin said as he bent down to baby level. “Daddy’s going to go to work, and you’re going to stay here and make friends”.

“Fwends?” Mordred looked at Morgana who smiled warmly at the toddler. 

“Yeah” Merlin nodded. “And daddy will come and get you for lunch, and you play here, okay?”.

“Okay” Mordred agreed with a smile up at Morgana. 

“Shall we go and find your coat peg then, Mordred?” Morgana smiled. 

“Yeah!” Mordred exclaimed as he jumped in excitement. 

“Say bye to daddy then”.

“You go have fun, okay?” Merlin said as he picked up Mordred for a cuddle. “And daddy will do some work”.

“Bye!” Mordred grinned with a wave as he followed Morgana and the other children into the preschool. Merlin watched as Mordred went in, confidently holding onto Morgana’s hand as she kept an eye on all the children. He’d just about managed to stop a tear from rolling down his face—he’s known it was inevitable that Mordred would be off to preschool in the near future, yet he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. He wanted to happily take his son into the class to settle him down and make sure he was OK, not have to wear a face mask and awkwardly stay away from other parents. He wanted to be able to be have play dates on Mordred’s day off with other children, going to soft play, toddler groups without having to distance. Being with Freya as they dropped him off together—again, not _recommended_ with coronavirus. Then again, she would’ve been extremely clinically vulnerable and essentially tied to the house for six months. Even though the lockdown and shielding had ended, he still would’ve worried about his wife. He gently wiped at a tear and twisted his ring as he saw Morgause locking the door and walked away from the preschool and he made his way home. 

He took his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down in his contacts to one he hadn’t phoned in a while. His wife. He’d spent most of his time with her so didn’t need to phone her, Merlin was allowed to keep his phone on him during his work so Freya could phone him in case anything happened— _luckily_ nothing did. Merlin clicked on the “phone” button and held it up to his ear as it dialled. 

“ _Sorry, but the person you’re calling isn’t around right now. Please leave a message after the tone”._

“Hey Frey” Merlin sighed as he took off his face mask. “It’s me, Merlin. It’s been six months without you. _Six whole month_ s. And so much time has passed it’s unreal. Mordred’s turned two, he isn’t much like an baby anymore, he’s a toddler. Independent, likes to choose his own things these days, absolutely refuses to eat anything except porridge or macaroni cheese” Merlin paused as he chuckled. “Just like his Mummy, hey? He has started preschool today, at Aithusa’s as we discussed. He was so excited to go, there’s these three ladies there; Morgause, Nimueh and Morgana. Morgana is Mordred’s key worker and she is so _lovely_. Mordred seems to adore her. He was completely fine as he went, no tears, no screaming, he didn’t even look back as he went in”. Merlin stopped to sit on a bench, now that it was actually allowed unlike during lockdown. 

“I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss adult company, I miss having my wife. Mordred misses you so much too, although day after day he doesn’t really ask about mummy anymore and it breaks my heart, Freya, it really does. Sometimes I wish it was me—“.

“BEEP. Message sent”.

Merlin hung up and walked home. 

* * *

A few hours later Merlin was pushing an empty pushchair towards the preschool. He had managed to get some of his work done while Mordred was away, phoning people who simply didn’t want to isolate because ‘we were wearing face masks when we hugged’ therefore assuming they didn’t have to isolate even after being notified. Merlin had put on his jogging bottoms and t-shirt, using his wireless beats as he jogged over. Merlin had had his wireless beats before airpods were “cool”, having had them for around five years now and finding it extremely useful for late nights when tidying up. Granted, they weren’t completely wireless given that they had a wire connecting them at the back, yet they still were the ‘original’ version. As he neared the school, he slowed his running down and put his phone in the back pocket along with his headphones, he didn’t really like to use his headphones when he was with Mordred as he’d prefer to talk to his son, especially today since it was his first day of preschool. 

Merlin waited outside the preschool area slightly nervously. Would Mordred be okay? Would he have cried the whole time he was there? Was he simply too small to go to preschool? Morgana opened the door soon afterwards with a face shield on as she took the children outdoors and directed them to their parents. 

“Mordred there’s your daddy” Morgana smiled as she pointed in his direction. Mordred grinned as he walked over to his father and Merlin smiled at his son under his mask. “He has been great today, settled quickly and he even made a picture for you” Morgana handed Merlin a few ‘drawings’ and scribbles that Mordred had ‘created’.

“So you had a good day then Mordred?” Merlin asked. 

“Yeah!” Mordred agreed as he clambered into his pushchair. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then” Morgana smiled brightly before she went over to some of the other parents. Melrin watched as she walked over, deciding that he had _certainly_ made the right decision with sending Mordred to preschool instead of nursery before he jogged back home. 

“Did you have a good day?” Merlin asked. 

“Yeah!” Mordred exclaimed. Merlin smiled as he jogged home and saw Mordred falling asleep. Day one? _Success_. 


End file.
